My new, miserable life as a GOBLIN!
by TheExiledIdeal
Summary: He had everything. Money, power, fame. His enemies feared him. Men were willing to work for him. Women loved him. It seemed like a perfect life. But everything changes, for the best or worst of it. Now he has to adapt to a foreign world in order to survive.
1. Damnation

**Hello and welcome to my Goblin Slayer fanfic! I hope you enjoy this rather experimental fanfic of mine, as I have plans for further development of the main character! **

**A few things to keep in mind:**

**-The story is told from the POV of the main character.**

**-It will mostly focus on his growth, impact and relationship with the new world around him.**

**-Goblin Slayer will appear! (I mean, this is Goblin Slayer, after all!) Besides him, other known characters will appear as well like Priestess, Elf Archer, Guild Girl and so on!**

**-Exploring the world and the creatures inhabiting it.**

**Well, that is all for now. Have a nice read!**

* * *

Darkness.

That was all I saw at first. A seemingly endless darkenss that can easily break the mind of men. Make your skin shiver, mess your senses and destroy even the little amount of hope for salvation.

I wanted to scream. But when I tried, I couldn't hear my voice. In fact, I didn't feel ANYTHING. My arms, feet, torso, head... nothing. I felt absolutely no part of my body. All there was to it was my mind, which was being constantly tortured by the dark.

Oh, God... It hurts. It hurts so much. Please make it stop. The voices, they won't stop whispering... No, I won't beg for mercy... Fuck off, shithead, you don't deserve to begged for forgivness. Ha, what was that? Eternal suffering, you say? What is this, some kind of an afterlife?

...

Wait a minute.

Am I dead?

AM I ACTUALLY DEAD?

No! This can't be! I'm not supposed to be dead! Imposibble! But then again, if I really am dead, this would explain this mysterious darkness. Even so, the thought, no, the possibility that I'm actually, undoubtedly, DEAD - ME, of all people, is unbeliaveble.

When did this happen? How did this happen? Why haven't I noticed it sooner? Why now? Where am I? What the fuck is this palce? Am I going to be judged? Jesus Christ, why isn't no one answearing my questions? Isn't there supposed to be some kind of a holy figure? You know, the type that will lay out the most recent events to me that lead to my demise? What a shitty afterlife.

Hey, if someone is out there and can hear my thoug- SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCKING CUNT! I DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT YOU!

...

Silence. No response. Good. I was getting pretty irritated. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah, my call for someone or something around here to respond, if it can hear my thoughts.

Wait, "hear thoughts"? Man, that sounds retarted.

"The same can be said about you, too."

!

"What?", I thought to myself. "Who's there?!"

"Can't you tell yourself? You and had quite the history together when both us were alive."

This voice...

"Sounds familliar, doesn't it?", said another voice. Then a second, a third and many other. Each one of them was whispering, some were even talking or screaming in horror. I also managed to hear some whimpering, but that was nothing in comparision to the screams. Damn, if I had ears, they would be bleeding already.

"I wish I still had arms so that I could strangle you bastard."

Woah, that's a little a bit harsh for a creepy voice inside my head. What gives?

"Seriously?", asked the second voice with anger. "With everything that has happend in the past, you dare to ask such a question?"

Hold on, did that one just answeared my question? Can they hear what I'm thinking at the moment?

"Unfortunately, yes. Every single one of us, in fact.", said the third voice.

Really? Finally, I'm making some progress around here. Alright dear friends of mine, can you answear a few questions for me?

"We are not your friends."

And I don't care. Mind telling what the hell is happening at the moment?

Instead of a response, all I got was laughter. Everyone was laughing at me. Apperantly I just asked a very silly question. Great, just great. I hope this doesn't go on for long.

"Are you kidding?", said someone of the million of those little fuckers. "Are you really not aware of what is happening right now? At this very moment?"

No, I don't. Please enlighten me, oh great voices of wisdom.

"Fascinating", replied another one. "Even in death, you still act like a colossal piece of shit. I guess some people never change."

Yeah, yeah, I'm handsome and all, but what is going on? If I'm dead, for some strange reason, what happens next?

"You aren't dead for some strange reason. Your time has finally come. And now you will be judged."

...

...

Huh, I guess I really am dead. Well, whatever. Since I'm no longer alive then I guess nothing worse can happen afterward.

"Oh, but there is", giggled some female voice. It sounded very creepy. "Powerful and unknown forces will determine what happens to your soul."

"And your punishment will be one that all of us will gladly enjoy", added a male voice. "Because no matter what, it will be severe."

"There is no escape."

"You will suffer."

"You will pay for what you have done."

"There is no escape..."

"Are you afraid?"

"What's wrong? Why don't you speak?"

"The time has finally come!"

"YOU ARE GOING TO BE SEND TO ETERNAL DAMNTAION!"

Yawn. Are you finally finished with your speech of how "now you're gonna get it"? I feel like I might fall asleep, if you continue to spit nonsence out of your invisble mouths.

...

Another silence. Looks like they can be shut, after all.

"Your arrogance is still present as when you are still alive. Have you no shame in the deeds that you have committed? Where is the guilt inside of you? Don't you want to redeem yourself for your past sins?"

No. Just get on with it, already. I'm getting bored. Tell those forces of yours to do their magic or something, and get this over with. I'm tired of the mysterious, dramatical expositions and monologue between myself and some voices in this weird ass, covered in complete darkness place. And while you losers were babbling, I figured out who you are. ALL of you. And yes, I still feel no regret or remorse of what I've done to you, even now. Frankly, I couldn't even bother to think about you guys. What, were you so butthurt that I screwed you over so you went all this way so that you can see me in my current position? So much so that you refused to go to Heaven or Hell until you've finished your business with me? What a waste of time. I would have burned in Hell either way, so really, rushing my death was pretty stupid, if you ask me.

...

Oh, no response? I probably hit a nerve somewhere in your imaginary bodies. Truth hurts, doesn't it?

...

Hellooo? Is no one gonna talk to me? Are you still angry?

"You have no idea what you've got yourself into, ****.", said one voice.

Ahhh, still angry about it.

"You will regret those words.", said another.

We'll see. Now present me that punishment of you were talking so much about earlier.

Just as I said this a sudden flash of light shined. It was so bright that the surronding darkness disappeared immediatly.

I felt the light. It was so bright and beautiful. And yet, it was also very painful, as if someone was burning my flesh with hot steel. I tried to scream again.

My attempt was futile.

* * *

...

...

...

The next thing that happend was that I heard a scream. But it wans't like the screams that were coming from the voices before. No, it sounded like a baby scream, like it was being given birth to. At least that was it sounded to me

Wait.

I could hear.

I could also smell, although it smelled like shit.

I could see, even though it was a little dark. Way better than complete darkness, though.

I could feel my entire body. From the top of my head, to the torso and down to my feet. Man, does it feel great to move again with those green parts of my body. I swear, I think I might have had a bad dre-...

Hold on just a moment. Did I just say "green"?

What?

Oh, wait. Something's wrong. Even though I can feel my body, alongside my senses, I felt rather weak with. It was almost like I couldn't move them at all.

And they were tiny.

...

Okay. Don't panic. Let's have a look around.

Let's see. It appears that I'm currently in some sort of cave. I spot a few torches and some weirdly shaped silluetes nearby. I hear some screams that sounded like it belonged to women and babies. Probably giving birth. Last, but not least, I feel like someone is holding me in their arms. It sounds strange, but that's the best way to describe it. Maybe I should look up to see what's holding me?

I looked up and what I saw was probably the most ugly son of a bitch I ever saw in my entire previous and current life. At first glance it looked like an old man, but upon further inspection he had green skin, with a long nose and ears with piercings. His eyes looked like those of a goat, which was weird and his teeth were crooked and fucking disgusting. What's even worse is that he was looking down at me and was smilling. His breath almost knocked me out unconscious.

Alright, that's enough. I'm gonna tell this weirdo to let go off of me and I might leave some of his deformed teeth in his mouth. Hopefully, there won't be any more unnecassary complex issues.

"BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

...

Looks like I'm wrong. Again.

* * *

**That marks the end of the first chapter! Expect the next one soon!**


	2. Reborn

**Hey, guys, here is the second chapter! Sorry it took so long to make, I've been quite busy with exams at school lately so I had to put this aside. But now I can continue working on it! **

**Thank you for your patience and have a nice read! Enjoy!**

* * *

The life of a goblin ain't easy, folks.

There comes a time when you start to question your very own existence and the various accomplishments you've achieved in your life. How much of an impact you've made to the people around, how different the world is thanks to your actions or if it was worth it at the end. Those thoughts are something that manages to separate us from being just mere animals with a higher intellect. They make us perceive things more abstractly. They make us wonder, if this is all life has to offer. They motivate us to progress further as a society. Most importantly, above all else, to understand the unknown.

Goblins don't think about any of that shit.

For starters, goblins are retarded. They can't look after themselves. They don't grow their own food, neither look after animals. They can't even fucking hunt properly. That's why the green fuck usually resort to pillaging human villages and steal everything that the villagers had at their disposal. Food, livestock, weapons, you name it. Hell, they even kidnap women to use as sex and breeding slaves, which we will get to in a minute.

Goblin society is primitive. Fancy shit like a government, nation and culture is unknown to them. They form tribes that consists of 20-50 goblins each that live in caves. Yes, caves. What, you thought that at the very least they have the capability to build a hut or some other form of basic architecture? If you did, you're dead wrong. Goblins are too stupid even for that sort of thing. Let that sink in.

Goblins have their very own language that is quite unique. It is very distinguishable and one of the many things seperates them from the humans apart from the appearance. Surprisingly, it ain't that hard to learn either. All you have to do to learn how to talk like a goblin is the following: find the nearest tissue. After you finding it, masturbate furiously for the next two or three hours. When you are done, try to say the first thing on your mind. The result would be a heavy grunt or something similar. Congratulations, you've just learned to speak a foreign language of a non-human species! It is recommended that you are virgin to fully feel the experience, as gobbos are too ugly to have normal sex like anyone else in the THIS entire world.

Speaking of sex, the turdlings are an all male species, which means no female. And when there are no females, there is no pussy and with no pussy there is no life. Glad to know that some things never change even, if you are reborn in fantasy-like world. How do our little green friends solve this problematic situation? Why, by raping, of course! As I've mentioned earlier, when there is a raid of human village, the goblins may kidnaped human females from time to time, which they bring to their shitty caves. From there on the ladies are constantly raped, tortured and beaten mercilessly by their very welcoming captors. Although they've acquired the position of a cum dumpster for the green shits, they are also used as breeding slaves. Since there are no female goblins, thank god, the human women give birth to these hellspawns. The little goblins, just like their goblin fathers, are unbelievably ugly. They inherent absolutely nothing from their mothers and instead look like mini versions of their fathers. Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit. Isn't there someone who can slay those abominations? He would make me a huge favour.

Because of their rather infamous reputation, goblins are universally hated by everyone. Humans hate them, elves hate them, everyone fucking hates them. If there are any demons in this fantasy world, which I'm pretty sure there are, they too, wouldn't want to deal with those worthless cunts. I bet they would make awful henchmen. As a result groups of "adventurers" form a party and go goblin exterminating, because why the fuck not? Sound easy, right? Well, not really. Although generally braindead, the goblins can have their moments as well. They are pretty decent when it comes to ambushing their enemies and the caves with narrow space give them advantage in combat. Not to mention that some of those "adventurers" weren't the brightest of their kind (hehe). Seriously, who the fuck carries a long ass sword in a fucking cave?! With teenage girls and young women, too?! It's almost as if they WANT to be killed by the goblins! What the fuck were they thinking?! God, what a bunch of morons, I'm glad I don't have to see their stupid faces. Well, of the men's faces, to be more precise.

To put it short, I was part of a subhuman race with useless subhuman brethren, subhuman way of life and subhuman nature in general.

You might be asking yourselves, how do I know so much about goblins, when I hate the fact that I was reborn as one? Why do I talk as if it's a no big deal? Why aren't I panicking over the fact that I was reborn as a literal animal with no regard to other besides himself? Why aren't I trying to escape this shithole cave or try to think of way to transform back as a human? Why do talk so casually? Do I miss my old human world? Do I feel regret over my past life and all the suffering I've caused on people?

Have I changed?

No, not really.

I mean, yeah it's kinda shitty that I got to live again, but as a little green man with a tiny willy, but hey I'm still alive. It's way better than to be surrounded by darkness and not being able to move even a tiny inch of your body. Not to mention that if I go weeping and crying like a little bitch how this could have happened and how sorry I was, I might end up as the next victim of the goblin extermination program and I have every intention to live as long as possible, so dying is not an option. Besides, adapting was always sort of my kind of thing, so it shouldn't be that big of a problem.

One thing you should keep in mind when thrown in a new environment is to always keep a low profile. Don't stand out from the crowd and make sure that you aren't attracting the biggest and meanest sons of bitches, who run the local business. When you've learned enough of your new whereabouts and how the people, or rather, goblins, work then make sure that you are never in a opposition. Never. This philosophy of mine has saved my ass so many times that I'm 100% sure it will work no matter what. Especially now when I'm a weak ass goblin.

So, here's a quick summary of how I managed to somehow survive as a goblin, the weakest and most hated creature all across the land. When I realized that again, this was very real, I was shocked. I couldn't believe it, then denied, then got a little depressed and finally thought to myself that I gotta make this somehow work. I mean, if fate was granting a second chance, why toss it over? Making the best of it in the worst possible situations was also my kind of specialty. All of this while I was crying and making the elder gobloids irritated with my whining. Suck it, you old farts!

Anyway, back on topic. I spent the first few days of my new life as a baby goblin. That is probably the worst period of it, because not only were you weak and defenseless, but you also had to compete with the other babies for food and attention. Not counting myself, there were probably five other goblin babies, each one of them loud and obnoxious as hell. You could guess that my first encounter with my "brothers" wasn't friendly.

As a baby, you need a lot of nutrients in order to grow stronger. But where do you get said nutrients in a dark cave with creatures, incapable of growing their own food? Don't worry, this is where the human females, who I know will refer to as the mothers, come in. As their name suggests, they fulfill the role of caretakers by having their titties sucked on by the ugly, little gobbos's mouths thus providing them with their much needed nutrients. Who got the suck them was another question, though.

The mothers were six in total and who knows which one of them cum dumpsters was the one, who was unfortunate enough to give birth to me. If I had known, I would get my hands on the nearest rock and bash her skull with it. Stupid, fucking bitch! You are damn lucky I don't know how you look. Each day they had their breast sucked, played, scratched and bitten by the baby goblins. They were screaming in agony at first, but as time passed they became completely lifeless. Their minds were broken and stopped reacting to anything that was happening around them. Meanwhile, my siblings were having the best time of their life, laughing and giggling like idiots. I hope they die soon enough.

That was how life was for a while, really. Me and the rest of us, alongside the others were hidden away in a different part of the cave as only the eldest goblin occasionally dropped by to see how we were doing. Father of the year, everyone. I spent most of my time sucking boobies, fighting with the others or just lay on the ground and do nothing. It was pretty boring, but at the very least I was safe and the older goblins were keeping me safe from unknown dangers. I guess they have their uses.

Oddly enough, whenever the elder goblin came to check how we were doing, he always made sure to see how I was doing for some unexplainable and perhaps sinister reason. He was always grinning, too. Fucking gross.

This continued for some time until one day the grandpa goblin, as I liked to call him, came in, accompanied by two larger goblins, each standing by his side. Those two were probably two heads taller than him and were very muscular, their sharp teeth sprouting from their mouths and glowing yellow eyes. I was surprised when I first saw them. Grandpa was also carrying something in his left hand that resembled a wooden club. He called out to us and naturally all the little goblins, which were at the time the size of toddlers, including myself, came to his side.

He then throwed the club on the ground and looked at us. It appeared that he was examining every little goblin individually, thinking of something during the process. He stared and stared until his gaze met mine. He smiled, reveling once again his crooked teeth and pointed at me.

I was stunned. Why did he point at me specifically? Did he plan to do something with me? Before I could think of anything else, the two larger goblins went in the direction where the mother were and picked up one of them. They then throwed the woman on the ground near the wooden club and moved towards the entrance. Gramps pointed towards me once again and then at the wooden club. I stood motionless for a second, before I picked up the club. The club was a little heavy, but I still managed to lift it from the ground. It was so fast that I didn't know what happened at first. Gramps with a look of satisfaction on his face then pointed towards me, again, which was getting really annoying, club in both arms. He stood still in one place for a brief second. Suddenly he moved his finger and pointed at the lying woman next to me.

It didn't take long to figure out what he wanted me to do.

At that very moment I was hesitant. I wondered, what should I now? I had a weapon with me and could try to assault the old goblin and all the baby goblins. I could use it to cause havoc and confusion and make my escape. But then there were the goblins at the entrance, who could easily overpower me and easily beat me to death. A thousand different scenarios appeared in my mind, with different outcomes and consequences. However, one stood out from the rest. The one scenario, where my chances of survival were the highest. The one, where I get to live the next day and hopefully the day after tomorrow. A scenario, where I wasn't in the opposition.

I walked closer to the woman. I walked around her and then pushed her body with my right foot, while holding a tight grip on the wooden club. She laid on her back, exposing the many scars and bruises she had on the front part of her body. She flinched and her bright green eyes met mine. Her gaze was fixated on me.

I smiled at her. You, dear little breeding cow, were in luck that day. You were going to be released from your duties and I was the one, who was going to make sure you go out with a bang. Or rather with a scream. Normally, I would avoid getting my hands dirty, but it was a special occasion.

Her face widened and a look of horror could be seen. By the time she had the intention to scream, I hit her with all my strength and bashed her face with the club multiple times.

* * *

**That was the end of the second chapter! The third one will come next Sunday! Stay tuned!**

**Answering reviews by my dear followers:**

**ZILLAFAN: He won't stay as a baby forever ;)**

**Guest: Our protagonist had some experience in his past life with this sort of thing, so who knows, it might happen **

**newjack187: The Gods haven't encountered anyone like him. I would even say that when it comes to moral he isn't that much different than a goblin.**


	3. First steps

**Surprise! I am not dead and so is this story! Again, I apologise for the long hiatus, but I had put this aside for university, finding a new job and helping out at home. It's been really rought for me these past few weeks, but finally I have enough free time to continue this story. I'll be honest - I am terrible with managing my time. So I won't say when the next chapter will come out, but I will try to be more organised and try to publish it soon enough. **

**Thank you all for your patience and reviews, they've helped me out come up with new and interesting ideas I'm sure you will like. I also have two important things to say:**

**-I made a plan about the structure of the story and how it will go in the future. It now has a beginning, a middle and a ending. Just to make it more easier to write between those parts, you know? **

**-I decided that every three or four chapter into the story I will ask of you about a funny or wacky scenario with the MC. Those will then be written into some form of short story that depending on how I write it can be part of the main story or just be lighthearted comedic stories. I plan to write one after the next chapter where he gets beaten up and you'll learn soon enough how it goes!**

**Once again thank you for all the support and patince so far! Enjoy!**

* * *

I've seen better days to be honest.

One, two, three...

I've had even better ones, too.

Four, five, six...

I doubt I will ever experience those found memories of the past ever again in this cursed and wretched world with hideous creatures such as goblins.

Seven, eight, nine...

Today is probably going to be one of those bad days, where you realise how completely fucked up you are at the moment.

Ten. Well, that's enough. It should do for today's routine.

For the ever so curious ones of you, who are probably watching this above the skies in their comfortable couches behind the TV screen, wondering what the hell I'm counting and what routine I am talking about, let's try to click on the pause button and hear me out for five minutes. We good? Yeah, we good.

After the not-so-dramatic (at least to me) mercy kill of one of the mothers by my hand, I managed to win the approval of the elder goblin and the rest of the nest. Any suspicion they might have had in the past is now completely gone and I am officially and unofficially part of the family. Hoo-fucking-ray, as I haven't experienced these types of shit in my past life. The thought that I might shortly die after I was reborn was so goddamn awful, I once pissed myself in my sleep, which would explain the horrible smell my nose just picked up.

Anyway, as I was saying – I got off surprisingly well and I got the approval of gramps, plus the rest of those green dickheads. Tomorrow is not a dream any longer. So it is completely justifiable that I murdered that bitch. A shame actually since now that I remember she had quite the pack up there. If it depended on me I would probably make her my personal whore. Whore number three to be exact. Why do I hate those monkeys with each passing minute even more than I had before? They don't know jack shit about keeping your sex slave alive and well fed so that you can indulge yourself in pleasure even more later on. The mothers aren't even kept alive longer for the breeding purpose, either. Sometimes when they pump out a newly born baby goblin out of their vagina, the others will attack her, kill her and eat her alive afterwards.

Sick degenerates, you could have fucked her while she was still pregnant, you know!

The next day was the same as any other past day. I get up, look around, get into small fight with my… "siblings", throw some rocks and occasionally play with the mothers, although that got stale after a while. But that day wasn't like the others. No, that day was special, like me. Why? Because I actually thought of a brilliant idea. An idea to get me out of this smelly cave and my current position as low-soon-to-become grunt for the higher ups. It was such a smart idea that I wonder why I didn't I came up with sooner. Well, I guess I know why. Reborn in a new world… as a goblin… Yeah, it's pretty self-explanatory. Anyhow, about the idea. It was pretty simple in all honestly and probably not surprising.

I will use the goblins - those ugly-ass, low-intelligent, short, mongrel, diarrhea-riddled, cannibalistic, two-faced pieces of shits – to my advantage.

I will make them do my bidding. I will deceive them to think I'm just like them, but in reality I'm just using them to achieve my goals. The goblins, being stupid as fuck, will never realize what hit them. All I have to do is just get rid of the elder and other potential candidates for the leader position. Then I will be at the top, where I truly belong and not among those dirty vermin. Yes, this is where I want and will be soon enough. Nobody will stand in my way and if someone does… I guess I'll have to use some of my old tricks up my sleeve.

AND NOW WE ARE HERE!

Since that day I've become determined to overthrow the current leader of the goblins – which I assume is gramps – and get that title myself. However, to do that I need to clear up a few things before I get into action.

First – know your enemies. Apart from gramps learning about my intention to slice his neck with a knife while he sleeps, another big problem or should I say, PROBLEMS, are other potential candidates for the throne. There is nothing more annoying than thinking you've got everything planned out and then getting stabbed in the back by some low-life scumbag. Trust me, I've been through this.

So to avoid this, I've been analyzing each and every goblin in the cave to learn about their strength and weaknesses. By that time I was still a toddler and it wasn't allowed for the small ones to go out of their place, but I don't give a fuck and went outside anyway. From what I've seen before being pulled back into the kindergarten for hideous creatures, there were mostly regular looking goblins that looked just like the kiddie ones, expect more "mature". Besides them there was gramps, who I suppose is the one calling the shots, the two big goblins, which probably fulfill the role as bodyguards and one goblin that was dressed pretty weird. Was he some kind of a special breed like gramps and the gorillas? Maybe a shaman or something similar, I dunno. But he, like the rest of them, needs to be put down.

Second – assert dominance. Just because there are a few threats to my rule, doesn't mean there should be more. What I'm trying to say is that when I will eventually rule over these subhuman abominations some will probably won't like the new and improved sheriff in town. Either they won't like my new policies or just want to up there as well. It doesn't matter in the end when they want to put my head on a stake.

To make sure such a tragic and horrible scenario never happens I will do one very important thing – install fear. I will terrorize them early on so that when I'm up there they will be aware of the things I will subjugate them to, if they disobey my orders. How will I achieve this feat? Well, the choices are endless – beatings, torture, bribing, blackmailing, false accusations and so on. When it comes to that, I am second to none. It's perhaps my second specialty other than getting through bad situations. Who would have thought that serving in the police will help you learn those sorts of skills?

Third – get fit. If I want to broke some noses or tear some poor bastard's nails, then I need to be in good shape to do that. Fortunately for me, a goblin's strength is a little bit better than that of a human seen as how easily I turned that mother's face into a pile of red goo that even her mother won't recognize or how the little baby goblins can tear off their skin and bones when the milk isn't enough to satisfy their stomachs.

Remember, kids – always eat food with lots of protein, if you wanna grow up big and strong!

So I began routinely doing basic exercises like push ups, jumping, squats and lunges. It was kinda hard at the start as I wasn't in the perfect age category to improve my body and got the attention of my half-"brothers". Good thing they lost interest pretty quickly, though. I swear the goblin's low IQ is sometimes a blessing. It just makes my job that much easier.

Doing all these three was all I ever did in the next couple of days. Get up, train, try to go out, train again, process what new information I learned today, train again and scheme against the goblins. During that period I also got into a lot of fights (over petty things) with the other goblin toddlers, which were growing pretty fast. So did I – by then I was already the size of most adult goblins in the cave, which was good as I wasn't as defenseless as before. But I also managed to gain a lot of experience with fighting and intimidating the green turds. You could probably guess that it wasn't that hard to beat the shit out of the goblins, although I did lose a tooth or two in my various brawls. Still, my opponent's injuries were much, much worse.

Which is probably what got the attention of gramps in the first place. Out of nowhere on my seventeen day (yes I counted!) he showed up unexpectedly in the cave, while I was just about to break some goblin's fingers. I guess all the crying and in-fighting has been noticed by his ever watchful eye. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to make such a mess out my "kin" that the big guy has to show up personally to prevent any further conflict. But, hey, someone's got to keep these animals in check, right? What's even worse is that he is pissed.

Really pissed.

Oh, shit, he is looking directly at me.

Calm down, calm down, keep it cool ****… There is literally nothing to be afraid of.

"You.", said gramps with a strict voice. "You fight your own brothers and even make them suffer more than they already have to."

Oh, fuck.

"Is there any particular reason for your behavior, young blood?",asked gramps staring with deathly gaze in my direction. "If not, then you might have to learn how painful it is, when you experience this cruelty that you have brought upon your own flesh and blood."

He said all that while looking directly in my eyes. I gulped and tried not show any sigh of fear, but damn was this situation really unnerving! To make matters worse the other retard goblins were gathered around and looked very pleased, their glowing yellow shining bright in the dark with gramps's eyes being the most frightening. They were probably expecting him to give them a signal to pin me down on the ground and have their revenge on me. Risks of the profession, folks, remember that.

However, I wasn't going to let them even think of touching me, let alone back down so easily. So I did what every goblin would do in my situation.

"Great elder!" I screamed and kneeled on my knees. I took his left hand and kissed it. "Please forgive my actions that I took today against my brothers. But I cannot wait any longer! I need to see the outside world! I want to finally begin my first raid of a human village! To steal the livestock of the humans! To taste their flesh and most importantly the flesh of a human female! Please, forgive me elder! I beg of you!"

My performance apperered to have been succesful as gramps and even the other goblins were surprised from my words. Some of them even cheered me on and started to clap their hands in the air, demanding to raid the nearest human village and acquire a new set of mothers.

Why? I will give you a clue – bones and a lock of hair aren't exactly suitable for making babies or food.

Gramps on the other hand was silent. He looked at me suspiciously, but then he smiled. He pulled his hand away from my grasp and put his hands in the air. At this moment the goblins surrounding us stopped chanting.

"Is that so?", he said. "Are you really that impatient for your thirst for blood, young one? So much so that you would go up against your fellow goblins?"

"Yes, great elder!", I immediately respond. "I was merely following my instincts and-"

"Or is it something else that you seek? Something you aren't willing to share with me?", he asked with a cocky look on his face.

I freezed at this statement. I looked at gramps with disbelief. What was that supposed to mean? Does he know about my plan for taking over his place?

This doesn't look good at all.

"No, elder.", I said firmly. "I am honest with my words."

Gramps smiled and laughed at my response. For a moment he looked as if he was about to kill any second. It looked as if I was about to die again and be surrounded by darkness once again.

But I didn't.

"We will see, young blood.", said gramps with an eerie voice. "We will see how honest you are during your raid of the human village in three days."

He then turned and exited the place. When he did I sighed out with relief and sat on the ground. Oh, thank God that was over. I was certain I wouldn't make it out alive. Jesus fucking Christ was that scary as fuck. Phew. Goddamn goblins. I almost got in trouble because of them. I glanced at them with a murderous look in my eyes and unsurprisingly, the little shits got scared and backed away. Damn right you did. Never get onto my nerves or in my way otherwise you are as good as dead. Next time I will make them pay for nearly endangering my life. They won't be so lucky as they were now.

…

…

Wait a minute.

What do you mean during your raid on the human village?

* * *

**That was chapter three! Next chapter will be made as soon as possible, I promise! Now, time for reviews!**

**TMI Fairy: Death means a lot of things for a lot of people. For our dear reincarnated goblin protagonist (or anti-hero?) death simply means death.**

**Jajo Camello: Thanks! And you are right, he was a pretty emotionless douchebag in previous life as a human. And he still is as a goblin. I also try to write better at english since its my second language, so thanks for pointing out some of the mistakes, I only noticed them thanks to your review.**

**Noel Aora: Oh, he will definately use them, don't worry about that.**

**Guest: Glad to hear it!**

**bunnyxstar: Thanks! Glad you like it.**


	4. The raid

**Hey, guys I'm back with the fourth chapter! Surprised to see it so soon? I don't blame you, I myself didn't originally intent to publish it so early, but since I've been on a long hiatus I decide to make it up to you, so here is part four! **

**Just a reminder that the next thing I'm working on is the short, lighthearted series of stories that will be made once in three/four chapters in! If you want, you can write in your reviews some ideas you have in mind and I'll have a look and try to brainstorm a little to make it part of the main story or as a side content.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

I have always loved conflict. It brings so much joy to my soul that is equal only to that of when I bang some sexy bitch. There is just something special when people cause pain to each other and to my delight that tendency won't stop any time soon, not even when there are no major wars to be fought. Still, I'm not very used to the idea to fight battles upfront with the enemy. I'd rather stay behind and provide support and if things go smoothly enough, I then get straight into the action. I'm talking, of course, about the pillaging and looting of the civilian's homes. Boy, I sure am sadistic! But isn't this part of the fun? What kind of a war would it be without that essential ingredient? This is simply unthinkable! If it doesn't go well, it's still no problem for me since I still have the opportunity to flee once shits hits the fan.

Sadly, this isn't the case right now. Thanks to my most recent fight with some of my goblin peers, gramps decided to put on the front lines in the upcoming raid. If that doesn't scream "I want you to die as soon as possible" then I have no other idea what it means. That old fart is clearly suspicious of me. I don't know why or what gave me away, but this surprising turn of events unnecessary complicates my plans. Now I have to be even more cautious than before since gramps is no ordinary goblin.

From what I've seen and heard the old goblin is quite unusual. He is supposedly old, although I'm not pretty sure how the goblin system of being a wise, old man works exactly. Compared to the other goblins he is pretty tall with the only two exceptions being his two bodyguards, which are of different breed of goblins known as "hobgoblins". Oooh, how interesting! Bigger gobbos have different names, how fascinating! What's next, the weird dressed one is a goblin shaman or something?!

…Never mind, he actually is. Great, just great. We got ourselves wizard goblins! What's next, goblin lords or necromancers?! Why not have goblin dragon riders to spice things up a bit!

Anyway, as I was saying gramps really stood out from the rest of us. Instead of wearing simple loincloth like the savage species he is part of, he wore actual clothes like any normal, sapient intelligent being. He wore a brown tunic and breeches made from what I assumed was animal skin with a few holes pocking at some parts, a couple of earrings on his ears and a strange dark hat that looked really stupid on him, plus a ring on his left hand. He also had some kind of a stick with him like the goblin shaman, but his was bigger and had some bones attached to it. On the bones there are some strange marking, almost like some strange Nordic style runes or some shit. But by far his most definitive feature were his eyes. Those eyes weren't any normal ones. They could pierce through any man's soul, like holy fucking shit. That time when he gave me this death glare the other day…. I can still fell the chills down my spine. Creepy. Gramps also had a scar on his left cheek, which was probably supposed to be from a fatal blow that didn't succeed in separating his head from the body. No worries, though. I'll make sure the next one to be successful.

In short, gramps wasn't like the others, which is the reason why he is so fucking dangerous. He isn't the typical idiotic goblin, who only thinks about raping a random woman or in what cruel ways he should torture her. No, far from it. He looked like an officer, who plans every move very carefully and can get shit done easily. That's the number one reason why he should be dealt with last since I can expect anything from him. That guy already doesn't seem to trust me. Because of that I got myself into a huge pile of shit.

As you can tell by all my rambling this all has to do with the upcoming raid. As I explained in the past, goblins are so primitive and subhuman like that they can't grow their own food so they resort to pillaging nearby human settlements. The goblins really seem to view this as some sort of a long awaited prophecy to be fulfilled as my roommates were constantly laughing, screaming and dancing all night long. This raid is especially very important to the new recruits in the nest since it means that they can finally get to have some fun instead of sitting on their ass all day inside the cave. Of course during all that I couldn't sleep very well. I get really grumpy when I don't get to sleep well enough.

Preparations for the raid were, to my shock, well organized – every goblin in the cave was to be armed with at least two weapons. Those were usually a short sword or spear with a small knife as an additional weapon. Some preferred to have axes even though there weren't as many, while others had equipped themselves with bows for long-range combat. Armor was either minimal or non-existent as most goblins wore simple loincloth as their basic form of protection with a few of them having caps. The hobgoblins weren't any different in terms of clothing as they too wore loincloth only this time they have belts around their waist and had huge wooden clubs as their weapons. I guess they mainly rely on their massive size against their enemies. Typical for a gorilla.

I myself have acquired a short, rusty sword with a small pocket knife that any other goblin would have. Just goes to show how they take care of their equipment in general. I wouldn't mind it as much, if I had some decent armor, but nooo, you gotta blend with the others! So here I am, standing still with a low quality weapon and wearing nothing but simple clothing that only covers my manly parts. As if that's going to protect my balls from an arrow or a direct thrust from a spear.

There was also a brief gathering in the cave from gramps with all the goblins, including the two hobgoblins and the shaman goblin. He was at the center of it, while the rest of us were around him. A true leader, indeed. I can't wait to become one myself.

"Brothers," said gramps with his right hand in the air, signaling everyone to keep quiet. "The time to plant the seeds of fear into the hearts of those mere humans has come once again. Our last raid was successful and we've returned with many spoils of our eternal war with the children of the Earth Mother. Since then our numbers have also increased, which will be more than enough to overwhelm our enemies in the upcoming battle."

"Indeed, my brethren," said the old goblin while raising his voice. "We are more than capable enough to defeat the humans, burn their villages to the ground and take everything they have for ourselves! We will reign supreme in these lands, which rightfully belong to us and our tribe! We will avenge those, who fell by their filthy hand! Their crimes will not be forgotten."

"How many have they killed? How many adventurers have stepped into our territory and destroyed our homes? How many of our younglings have been brutally murdered by those barbarians? Time and time again have the humans shown their true nature to us. They come to kill us, to burn our nests and deny us our future. I say no more! No more will we tolerate this behavior! Tonight we will make an example out of the humans living in the village at the end of the forest! They will learn our pain and suffering! Mark my words! Tonight all of you, including the newest members of the tribe, will feast with their blood!"

At that moment all goblins started cheering and clapping their hands, dancing amidst the poorly lighted cave near the fire. They behaved as if they were in trance like wild animals whose instincts finally kicked in. They danced and screamed at the top of their lungs, eager to finally satisfy their thirst for blood and carnage.

While all of that was happening I was standing in the shadows, watching everyone from behind. For a brief moment I couldn't believe what I've seen in front of me. I was even more surprised of gramps classy dictator speech, which had an enormous effect on the goblins, who were now more motivated than ever before. His lecture seems to give the impression that goblins view themselves as eternal victims, who are always in the right and are constantly oppressed by the other inhabitants of this world. As a result their immediate course of reaction is to fight back the same way they have experienced. That sounds awfully familiar. The goblins also appear to hold some special grudge against humans, more particularly against "adventurers" as they call them. When and why did this happen is unclear to me, although I may have a few suggestions that might not be that far from the truth.

This way of thinking has forever cemented my belief that goblins are truly subhuman in nature and appearance. Damn it all, why did I have to be surrounded by such useless morons?! How braindead can you actually be to think that you are never wrong and blame everyone else for your problems?

Even I wouldn't act in such a foolish way. I might be a lot of things, but at the very least I can admit that maybe I've made some mistakes and try to learn from them. But those guys over there? Nope, they are oppressed little angels that can do no wrong! Man, how I hate people with a mentality like this!

But enough about my philosophical ramblings about the morality of creatures that don't even wear pants. I better get some rest before the night arrives at my doorstep. It's going to be a long night, after all…

* * *

Goblins are nocturne creatures. During the day they stay inside their caves and go outside only during the night. Their sight also becomes visible better, as creatures of the night they see perfectly clear in the dark. Kinda like leopards only less intelligent and cooler. Their sense of smell is also pretty good. For an example they can smell the scent of a female human from miles away before they even see her. I guess that what evolution's got in store for you, if you live in the dark long enough. Too bad the same can't be said about the size of their brains. Good thing that mine is still retaining my human intelligence. If I was just a little bit bigger like a hobgoblin, then I would be unstoppable.

Even so I have to admit – having natural night vision is pretty damn sweet. I could perfectly see my surroundings both near and far away, something impossible if I was still human. But having a keen sense of smell might not be such a good idea…

…

MHHPPP…

Oh, god why does everyone around me smell like shit? Isn't there a river nearby to wash yourselves , you filthy green monkeys?!

I thought to myself that while I was walking alongside with the group that was formed to assault the village. The group was made up of approximately twenty goblins including myself, each one armed and ready to kill. We were lead by a goblin scout, who knew the way to our destination and was constantly giving orders to move faster. Little piece of shit, I'll kill you! It's not my fault this forest is so fucking dense! Seriously, you would think you were in a jungle or something!

We continued to walk for what seemed as an eternity (more like an hour and a half) through the forest. The trees were fucking massive or maybe they seem like that from a goblin perspective and the soft breeze of the air was making me shiver slightly. The air was crystal clear with no sight of a cloud and… two moons. Yup, two moons. I've rubbed my eyes multiple times already and there are still two moons in the sky – a small red one and bigger green one.

…

This world couldn't get any more weirder , could it?

…

I wonder if that green moon is related in some way to goblins. Being green and all…

*SNAP!*

WHAT WAS THAT?!

As I was startled by the sudden noise and prepared to slice the nearest motherfucker in my sight, the goblin scout made a gesture for the group to stop in our tracks and wait. We stopped and then he went a little bit further up ahead. We stood on one place for a few minutes until he returned with a grin on his face like he found a big treasure chest. The scout then spoke.

"The humans," he said while pointing in the direction he came from. "The humans are only a few steps away. After we reach the end of the forest we go straight ahead and attack them directly. Remember – kill everyone expect the women and livestock. They are our biggest priority."

"If you want to have some fun with the females," he continued. "Do it in a way that doesn't end up with them dead. The chief warned us not to harm them too much – that part comes later. Understood?"

All the goblins nodded, tilting their head in union, giggling like idiots. But I did not. How come we go straight ahead? What kind of a plan is this?

"What if the humans notice us?", I asked, holding my rusty sword tightly in my right hand. "And attack us before we have the time to react?"

The scout looked at me. He came a few steps closer to me. He had a very disapproving look on his face.

"Humans can't see well in the dark," he explained. "Most of them are also asleep by this time."

"What about their defenses?, I asked. "Won't they pose a threat to us?"

"HAHAHA!", laughed the scout out loudly. "Defenses? What defenses? They only have scythes and shovels for weapons! You really think they're gonna do something to us?"

I didn't answer. If what he said was true them obviously my group can obviously deal with a couple of villagers with farming tools. Still, this whole ordeal sounds suspicious as hell.

"I see that you are cautious one," said the goblin scout. He then patted me on the back and smiled. "That is good. You should be wary sometimes. The humans are can be a pain in the ass, if you are not careful enough. But we have the element of surprise. It'll be easy."

Yeah it better be. Otherwise I'll shove that binocular deeply in your eye sockets.

The scout then returned to his original position and pointed once again in the direction ahead of us.

"Onwards! No mercy! Kill, burn and destroy everything in your path!"

The group roared in excitement and rushed ahead. I ran alongside as well trying not to fall behind and keep up with the rest of the goblins. Meanwhile in the distance the lights of the human village can be seen flickering…

* * *

It all happened so fast.

We arrived at the entrance. A couple of villagers spotted us and sounded the alarm. Some of them even tried to fight us.

Their efforts were futile.

The goblins were both brutal and merciless in their attacks. They stabbed, cut and slashed everything in their way. It didn't matter what it was – they would kill without hesitation.

Then a few of them started throwing torches at the buildings. The flames soon consumed the whole village, spreading further and further, denying the villagers their only chance of escape of this nightmare.

Naturally the screams of the terrified people followed afterwards.

The men were the first to go. After they've been dealt with, the goblins began to target the elderly and children. Whenever they encountered a woman, they would strip her clothes off and rape her immediately. The animals were either killed or injured, so that they couldn't escape. Nothing was left unharmed. No one was spared.

And as for me?

Nothing special, really. Just a bunch of noise that keeps distracting me from looting the corpses of the dead like the one in front of me. It was a village guy, who I managed to spot running away while holding a young girl by the hand. When he saw me and the two goblins accompanying me, he shouted to the girl to get away and pointing a small kitchen knife at us. The girl was crying and refused, but the guy turned around and told her once again to run away.

That was his mistake.

While he was looking away, I lunged myself forward with my sword and stabbed him right in the stomach. He screamed in pain and tried to stab me, but I dodged his attack just in time. He fell on his knees, his hand on the stomach where his injury was. The girl went to aid him, but before she could do that I thrusted my sword right in his neck, killing him in the process. She screamed at the sight and fell on the ground. She looked at me while I pulled my sword out of his neck.

"Why?", she asked, tears falling off her face. "Why did you do this? What reason did you have to do such a thing? WHAT DID WE DO DO DESERVE THIS? WHY, JUST WHY?"

She shouted out all these questions as if someone was going to answear them. That someone being me.

But I didn't say anything.

Even though I was a goblin, I could understand what she spoke to me. Every single word, every single sentence. I don't know how and I don't know why.

And I don't care.

I smirked and shrugged. Nothing personal, kid. It's just the way it is. I've gotta live, after all.

That means that I have to play my role as a goblin.

I turned towards the other two goblins. I told them that the girl was theirs. They stared at me in disbelief, but after looking at the blonde cutie, they smiled.

The girl stepped back. She was crying even more now. She looked at them, who were slowly approaching her and then at me.

She was afraid.

But she didn't scream. She didn't resist. She was too terrified to do anything even when her body was violated by the goblins. All while her home was burning to the ground, her friends and family butchered or raped by the green monsters.

The night was still young.

…

Meh. What can you do? Shit sucks, but it happens. Now let's see what this guy has to offer… Oh, this purse has a lot of gold coins…

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**That was the end of chapter four! Stay tuned for the next one!**


	5. Short story: Temper

**First short story! I think it came pretty well. A few things to add in general:**

**-The language of the goblins is a very unique one that only a few fantasy races can understand. These include ogres, dark elves, orcs and demons.**

**-However goblins can learn the languages of most fantasy races, if they are willing to and are intelligent enough. Some take more time than others, though. For example the human language is much more easier to learn than that of the elves or lizardmen.**

**-Goblins are a polytheistic. They believe and worship various gods depending on their surrondings, but the most prominent ones are the wolf god, the bloodlust god and the lunar mother.**

**-Goblins in general do not have in interest in money as they do with livestock and human women. Of course, they are a few excaptions.**

**-Nobody is certain how long is the lifespan of a goblin and how big they can get. The biggest ones, which become hobgoblins and champions, usually tower over humans.**

**Goblin conversations and communication:** _are now going to be like this_

**Every other race: **will be like this.

**Enjoy!**

* * *

The story is about a man, a man that used to be powerful, influential and a huge piece of shit in his previous life. Alas nothing lasts forever and the man ultimately perished, because of his arrogance and nature.

But what happens afterwards? Is there truly nothing when our time on the planet has come to an end? Some people believe Heaven and Hell exist and depending on your actions you either enter the gates of Heaven or burn for eternity in Hell. Of course, this is nothing more than pure speculation.

Nobody knows for sure what awaits us after we pass away. But for our dear "protagonist" of this story he would find soon enough and most definitely won't enjoy it. At least for now…

The man was damned by the souls of his victims, reborn as a goblin in this fantasy world, filled with magic and strange creatures that would make any normal man question his sanity. But for him, it only made him question which of these things can be deceived more easily than the others. Truly, one stays true to himself to the very end. Even though he was in an unknown environment he knew how to blend in right away, thanks to his previous professions that we will not name and will remain a secret.

However even the best have a hard time at the beginning.

_"When will it be my turn to breed with the human female, Bukz? You've been going at it forever!"_, screamed one goblin.

_"Shut the fuck up, Grog! This humie be delicious! I ain't done with her yet!"_, said the other one.

_"No fair! You always get the best ones! I'm stuck with the older ones!"_, whined Grog and looked at the human girl that was being molested. She was young, no more than twenty years old, with brown hair and eyes, eyes that were once full of life. The girl was completely naked with bruises and bitemarks all over her body, from her hands and shoulders all the way down to her knees. She was captured not too long ago when her party of four adventurers, including her, failed to purge the goblin nest. Her end was tragic, but unsurprising when it comes to goblins. In fact, it was apparently so common that one would might ask himself why do the adventure guilds give these tasks to porcelain adventurers. But at the very least she was still alive and intact for now. One of her party was devoured shortly by the greenskins, while the other two had missing limbs…

_"That's what you get for being weak!"_ said Bukz and laughed like a lunatic, thrusting harder inside the girl. She felt pain, but didn't have the strength to even scream. Her spirit was crushed after the endless torture and all she could do is lie down on the ground, hoping that by some miracle she would die afterwards.

_"Can't you two green faggots keep it down already?",_ screamed a voice from the darkness. _"I can't concentrate while you two giggle like idiots!"_

Hearing that made Bukz stop and look in the direction the voice came from. While it was completely dark in the cave with a few torches here and there goblins could see no problem. Right now Bukz was staring at the back of one goblin that was sitting on the ground. The goblin was mumbling something under his breath and cursed whenever something was bothering him.

Bukz made a grimace and left the girl. He then went towards the strange goblin. Grog was hesitant at first, but followed him, while at the same time looking back at the mothers with a hint of regret.

_"Well, look who finally decided to speak up!"_, said Bukz sarcastically._ "For a moment I thought you were deaf or something, Vurk!"_

_"I wish I was"_, replied Vurk._ " Then I wouldn't have to listen to you fools babble all the time you near the mothers. You and Grog are always so damn noisy it makes me want to tear my ears off!"_

_"Not my fault the humies be so tasty!"_, said Bukz in response. _"Got a problem or something?"_

_"You better wish there isn't"_, said Vurk and stood up. _"For your own safety."_

Then suddenly Bukz sucker punched Vurk in the face. He fell on the ground and Bukz began to kick him several times. Vurk, however took dirt from the ground and threw it at Bukz's eyes. The goblin screamed in pain and Vurk used this opportunity and stood up. He then grabbed Bukz's head and kicked him with his knee. He fell on the ground and Vurk started punching him viciously. His assauly was cut short when Grog hit him with a rock at the back of his head. He stopped and moved away, unable to grasp what just happened. Grog meanwhile helped Bukz stand up. After coming to his senses he and Grog went over to Vurk, who was now lying on the ground with his head bleeding, the two goblins started to kick him mercilessly until they eventually got tired of that.

_"That ought to teach him a lesson not to mess with us",_ said Grog. _"Right, Bukz?"_

_"You are damn right, Grog",_ replied Bukz while holding his nose. _"And when he breaks my nose next time, I'll make sure he loses his testicles! Ya hear that, bastard?!"_

He spit on him and went over to the mothers to finish off what they started. Vurk still lied down for a while, his head hurt and unable to move. Finally he managed to get up and slowly walked away from wherever there might be other goblins around. When he was sure there was no one near him, he sighed.

_"Damn subhumans. Can't keep their moth shuts when others are working on the important stuff."_

He rubbed the place where his injury was. The blood in his hands made him grimace. That stupid Grog just had to intervene when he was having such a good time. One thing is for sure – Bukz won't be lucky next time and Grog will also pay for what he did.

_"Now, where was I?"_, thought Vurk._ "Ah, yes. Let's see… One was written like this… Two like that… Then there is three, four, five and six… I should probably do the alphabet next after I am done with the numbers…"_

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**End of the story! Chapter five is up next!**


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